Aj's Blog

I have two questions.
1. Why the hell does nobody in my family know anything about me, or care what I need!?
2. Why the bloody hell would you trust someone who abused you for at least 15 years!? Are they mental?

Right, let me explain.
I think this goes well with my first ever post to be honest, and since then, I haven't really brought up the subject much, but now I feel I need to because it is driving me insane. Just imagine for a second, that your earliest memory is your Mum and Dad standing in the living room arguing while you hide behind the door. Okay? You're four years old, so you're not really going to be able to do much, are you? Anyhoo, they arguing (over God knows what) and your Dad hits your Mum. I mean, that's not really a very pleasant thing to think about, is it? As if I have a choice. I've decided that my memory is intent on keeping every bad memory it can and erasing everything else other than story ideas, dreams/nightmares and song lyrics/notes. My memory's stupid like that....
So, getting back onto the point...
You don't ever remember your Dad being around (if he was, then he wasn't sober) for your Birthdays, and you could clearly see that he had never written in any of the cards you recieved that were signed 'Mum and Dad'. He also never knew about the presents. You say thank you, it's wonderful and he'd sort of give you this blank look...I don't think he even remembered when my birthday was to be honest....
So, memories go on like this for say...10...11 years...he was always drunk, hitting your Mum shouting at her for stupid reasons and then shouting at you when he got bored of doing the former. He even hits you a few times when he's had enough to drink. He never keeps any of his promises and his whole side of the family hate your Mum's guts.
Am I getting my point across?
Your last memory of him ever living in the same house as you are when your Mum got sick of it and pulled a knife on him. Now, I knew what she was doing before I even saw the knife, because I'd imagined doing it so many times...even got as close as picking the knife up once when everyone else was asleep. Then he woke up and I quickly put it down. So, continuing, she pulls the knife on him and then closes the door to keep you and your brother out. He doesn't know what she's doing, but you do, so you quickly push the door open when she lets go to find her standing over him while he holds both of her wrists to stop her. You manage to get the knife (and believe me, trying to get it off two struggling adults is difficult to do) and hold it away from the both of them. Of course, the police pick this time to turn up (sorry, forgot to mention - you called them earlier) and they knock on the door. You give the knife to your brother, tell him to run it back to the kitchen and then look round at your dad, hopelessly. The last thing you ever say to him (other than 'yes', 'no' and 'fine' when you unfortunally pick up the phone without looking at the caller ID) is:
"Please, Dad. If you love me, you won't tell them about the knife. Please. If you love me, Dad."
He says he won't and for a moment you believe him, but when you try to stay in the room, he orders you out. So, you sit at the top of the stairs and listen closely. And he tells them. He f***ing tells them! The police order him out of the house after that and that's the last time you see him for nearly 5 years.
Can you imagine all that? I don't need to imagine, I've had first hand experience...
The words I've written just don't do my life justice. It's been so much worse than all that and I can't even begin to put it all into words...
Right, I'm getting to the questions at the top of that page now, mainly, would you trust your Dad if he was like that? Think about it...everything he would have done to you...would you trust him after all those years? Because I sure as hell don't. Why the f*** would I? How the hell could I trust him after all that he's done.
The real question is, how can my Mum trust him after all that he did to her? It was her that all the abuse was directed at, and I just cannot understand why she's started trusting him. I just can't bring myself to do it, and the best part of all is; He can't undertand why I don't trust him...is he thick?
My other question was mainly me being pissed off that she wouldn't let me go with her to drop Robert off at his. I don't understand why everyone trusts him to be alone with her. I know I don't. I want to go in case anything happens, but they all say she'll be fine. I know he's only being nice to everyone so that I'll go over and see him, but if he thinks that, that's happening, he's got another bloody thing coming. So, once he realises that, is he going to start being an arse again? Not that he isn't anyway...But why doesn't anyone just let me go? If not for Mum's sake then my own...just to reasure myself? Oh no...wait...I know the answer to that one...I'm me...no one cares what I want...
Huh...they'll see...and I can't wait to prove my point to them. At least my Grandad is on my side. I know I've got him to turn to...

I didn't have a computer last night, so I couldn't actually update. I had a pretty eventful day though. I'll give you the short story and then tell you basically what happened. (Now, when I say short, it usually turns out really long. This probably won't be any different.) The long and short of it is:
We broke a remote control helicopter, we got locked out, we nearly got attacked by a dog, we nearly fell off a garage roof and we started a fire in the forest, not realising that there were police at the end of the street.
So, Alfie invites me and Matt over because none of us have anything better to do. Got there about 11 in the morning after waking up at 8 coz my Mum decided that it would be a good idea to wash my hair before I left. Anyway, got there at 11, hadn't had any breakfast (not that I ever do) and I felt a little hungry. Of course, Matt wasn't there yet, so we couldn't get the pizza. We waited for about an hour and then called him. Unsurprisingly, he was still in bed. We gave up waiting and ordered the pizza. X-Large, which would mean we got 4 slices each, and they were pretty big bloody slices. We paid for it, splitting the money equally between three people, then Matt got there and decided he didn't actually want any. Stupid git. So, we ate pizza, watched a little Pirates of the Caribbean, then, we found Alfie's remote control helicopter and took it over the park, not bothering to check if it worked or not. I'm sure you're not at all surprised to hear that it didn't. So, we went back to his house from the park and changed the batteries. At first it still didn't work, so Matt picked it up to take a closer look at it and Alfie pushed the forward button and the blades started spinning, almost taking out Matt's eye. It was quite funny, tho I don't think Matt would agree with me. Anyway, we eventually gave up with that and went out in Alfie's back garden. The next door neighbours dog barked and scared the crap out of Matt. I went over to stroke it, Alfie did the same and just as Matt came along to join us, Riley (the dog) barked and Matt ran off.
For lack of anything better to do, we climbed on to Alfie's garage roof (despite mine and Matt's saying that the roof looked like it was about to collapse) and made a...well...it wasn't really anything...it was rope tied across from tree to tree. It was eventually turned into a slingshot and we used it to play an interesting game of fetch with the dog (well...we could have if it had worked every time and not just once in every ten). I did play fetch with Riley tho...I think he was kind of missing the point as the stick always seemed to end up at the other end of the garden...
It was while we were on the garage roof that we saw the big pile of wood beside it that Alfie's Mum and Alan clearly didn't want. Which gave us the idea of making a fire. We didn't use the wood in the end, we used some cardboard from the recycling box. That was only after we'd persuaded Matt to climb down from the roof, reassuring him that the dog would not attack him when he stepped onto the fence....
Anyhoo...the fire....We walked over to the Airpark with the cardboard and found a nice little place deep in the forest. The first place we found was in plain view of the Swimming Pool, so we quickly stomped the fire out and moved further in. It was pretty hard to find dry leaves, so using wet leaves made the fire smoke a lot, and chances were, you could probably still see it from the Swimming Pool anyway...we had to jump on it when it got a little out of control and then we quickly legged it out of the forest. Of course, it was only when we'd gotten out that we realised it was still going and that you could see it through the bushes. We just left it and quickly walked off. We'd have been pretty screwed if it had spread, so we stayed in the park by the forest just to make sure it didn't. Matt was the one who realised that there was a guy sitting on the bench by the park and would have seen us come out of the forest. We think (and hoped) that he was drunk.
When we got back to Alfie's house, he realised that he'd forgotten his key and after ringing the bell 5 times, we resigned ourself to the fact that Alfie's sister had gone out and that there was no way that we were going to get in through the front door. So Alfie climbed over the fence to the Alleyway and then into the garden, hoping that the back door was open. Luck was clearly not on our side seeing as it was closed. We changed tactics and Alfie passed the step ladder over the closed gates and then climbed onto the ledge above the door and then in through his sisters bedroom window. His Mum chose that moment to turn up in the car. It was all quite amusing. It was only then that we realised we all smelt of the fire...Luckily she didn't ask about it...
Toni (Alfie's sister) got back a few minutes later and sat down at the computer. When she was asked by their Mum what she'd been up to for the day, she said,
"MSN, down the shop for sweets oh, and by the way, the Police were at the door earlier coz of Alfie." After making the fire, we were still a little on edge and we thought for a moment that she was serious. When she told us that it was only a joke we probably looked more relieved than we ever had before in our lives.
So, after that, Alfie asked first if I could stay for dinner and then after that, he asked if I wanted to sleep over. Mum said yes, so we bought his PS2 downstairs and played 'Driver: Parallel Lines' for a couple of hours and then spent the rest of the night until 1am listening to Toni's music on the computer and watching 'Jungle Book' and singing along to all the songs. It was funny. Their cat (Ziggy) fell asleep on me when I laid down on the sofa and stayed there for 3 hours. I have massive scratches on my leg where I tried to get her off at 1 o'clock so that I could get to sleep.
We got up at 8:30 in the morning and...well after getting all of Illana-May's (Alfie's little sister) money out of the portable radiator so that it wouldn't catch fire when it automatically turned on at 3pm, I had to leave because Alfie was going to his Nan's.
After that, I went shopping, got my Xbox Mag. and the Top Gear mag. and new Rollerblades, which I'm not actually allowed until my birthday in 13 days. That really sucks. The Xbox mag. this week was rather odd. They put in some really odd reviews, but I've finally decided to make myself an Xbox 360 games wish list. It totalled up to 18 games which I definitely want and 5 that looked interesting. Only 8 of the 23 games were out now and 4 of them had no actual release date, but at least now I can keep track. 'Test Drive Unlimited' is at the top of my list, purely because of the fact that you can customise the cars enough to change the interior. That should be interesting. I may tell Mum that, that's the game I want from Duncan this year for my birthday.
Speaking of Duncan, he's scaring me slightly. He tried to talk me in to going to see him, and if he gets over this thing with Grandad, I may give it a chance. Or I'll wait for the barbecue he's having. Jess is going, so I'll have someone to talk to at least. I dunno, it'll be something that I think about...

***

Thankfully, I'm on Alfie's boat for Narrow Boat weekend. After I found out that Alfie and Matt were together on James' boat I assumed that I would be with Arron, which would have just sucked, not that I don't like Arron or anything, it would have just been a little boring. Anyway, getting back to the point, I found out that Arron wasn't going, so Dave was putting the three of us together. Yay! Early morings to drive the boat. Three man crew. Should be fun. We have a radio this time and a TV thanks to Alfie. Woohoo!
And more good news, Crystal Palace just won at an Away game. Yay! (this is the luck that the three of us didn't have yesterday coming back to be nice to me!) We beat Southend 1-0...not the best score ever, but we still won...Woo!

***

I've had a good day these last two days (probably because I haven't been at home) so I don't have any ranting to do. Except for my homework. Ugh...I just cannot be bothered to do it. Okay...I think that's it...

I've just realised that something's happened to this blog and my first 8 or so posts have just vanished. How odd....Oh well, I'll get over it...

***

Okay, so it didn't turn out as bad I thought it would, but it wasn't perfect....
For the first couple of hours after we got up, me, Clare and Robert were pretty bored, and could think of nothing better to do than sit in my room listening to my new 'Fall Out Boy' CD. Then Christopher went outside in the garden to kick around his new football, so we thought 'What the hell' and went to join him. Of course, Christopher can't be the one that looses because that's just not fair. So, we eventually gave up playing that and found a tennis ball to throw at the wall. After successfully breaking something on the side of the wall...I'm not really sure what it was, we made up a game. I lobbed the ball at the wall as hard as I could and then everyone else had to catch it, pass it back to me and then do the same thing again. Trust me, it was a lot more fun than it sounds....
Christopher and Robert decided to get violent though and Robert pushed Christopher over so that he could get the ball. So we stopped playing that. As soon as we started playing another game, and after 5 minutes of non-stop 'crying' Christopher suddenly decided that he was alright and wanted to play. I told him no. If he'd hurt himself enough to 'cry' for 5 minutes, then he shouldn't be able to play catch, should he? Then of course, as all little brothers do, he ran off shouting 'I'm telling mum of you', which is exactly what he did. Thankfully, she was feeding Charlotte and Simon was the idiot that came to the door. Which made talking him round much easier, and honestly, how difficult is it for boys to admit that they're wrong and apologise to each other. They wouldn't look at each other when they said sorry and Robert had to start an argument, insisting that he didn't push Christopher over. He 'tripped'. I was watching...I'm not blind.
Anyway, before we went to the Cinema, we went to Frankie and Bennies, and Katie was determined to sit next to Clare, which was just plain annoying. She refused to sit anywhere else but next to Clare, so everyone had to move round the table so she could have what she wanted. Then, as soon as Christopher said 'I want to sit next to Mum', Katie started some massive argument and decided that she wanted to sit next to Mum instead of Clare. Of course, people were looking at us because we were shouting and at that moment I wished that I was sitting anywhere but there. It wasn't so bad after that though. We played I-Spy. Mum got all of mine after about 15 minutes, and everyone had just given up when she got them. It was so unfair! Then the waitress came along, took one horrified look round the table and goes, 'are these kids all yours?' I wanted to laugh, but Mum sort of nodded and told her 'yes, all except Clare'. If it was possible, the waitress looked even more horrified. The look on her face was just priceless.
Charlotte's web wasn't that bad. Katie hurt herself half way through, on the really good bit and started screaming. Everyone looked round at us and if there was a hole I would have crawled into it. Everytime we told her she didn't need to cry, she just screamed louder and told us to shut up. It was me who had to suffer by having her sit on my lap the whole way through the movie. She just can't sit still! She moved around every five seconds and kept sitting in the way of the screen. I kind of lost track of the end of the film.
Then, when we got out, it was Christopher that decided to have a screaming fit and he kept running off. I think everyone thought I was kidnapping him when I dragged him back into the Cinema. If you've ever seen one of those shows where the children are really misbehaved and won't do as their told, then you've seen what Christopher is like. He had this tantrum all the way to the car and nearly got run over on the way there because he ran out in front of a car. What a prat.

***

On the upside, I have two Cinema trips planned this week. Go me. Epic Movie and Hot Fuzz both in the space of four days. Should be fun! I'm not really sure what either movie is about, but oh well. It'll give me something to look forward to.
I really should be doing my homework, but clearly, I'm not in the mood and I just can't be bothered to do it.

***

No ranting paragraph today. I've think I've ranted enough above about the day...

Okay, originally I may have been a little excited about Half Term, but now, I cannot wait to go back to school. I do not know how I'm going to survive a whole week with my family.
Other than Christopher waking me up because the TV was loud enough to wake the dead, the day started off pretty good. I got up at 9am and the sun was out and everything, and I thought, you know, this'll be a good day. So, the day started and I proved myself right. I tried out my new 'Heelies', which I couldn't do mind, and I was just having fun in general. Then my Mum agreed to let Clare come over, so Simon picked her up and she came along with him when he returned from his...well...whatever he was doing. Anyway, we went down the high street and I even got a new pair of shoes, a new book and a lava lamp, which I'll post a picture of when I can be bothered.
Then the day took a turn for the worst. When Clare comes over, Katie thinks that she has to hang around her all the time and it starts to get annoying. Even sitting in my room playing Lego Starwars II didn't get rid of her, and playing Xbox 360 usually gets rid of her. This time, she was clearly determined to stay put. So, we had to put up with her sitting in my room for an hour and a half while we tried to concentrate on our game. Then we went out. I got my shoes, lava lamp and book and then we all went to McDonalds. Katie had to sit next to Clare and Christopher had a go at everyone.
So, as you can see, that didn't turn out all too well. It only got worse when we got home. Now, I believe that Dancing on Ice (as much as I love ice-skating) is the shittiest program in the whole wide world. Of course, Robert watches it. Now, why he had to be a selfish little prick and watch it in the only room in the house that has sky when the program is on Channel 3, I don't know. Why he couldn't eat his dinner later and watch it in his room until 6:20, I also don't know. I mean, don't worry if I'm watching something, I don't care, just go and change the channel why don't you? I'm well aware that I've seen the film before, but I was watching it and it's on a sky channel so I can't watch it anywhere else.
Then of course we can't forget Katie and Christopher. Katie is the bitchiest little girl I have ever met. At five/six years old she acts as if she's 21 and owns the place. The worst thing is, I can't do anything about it! I'm the oldest, so 'I should know better' as my Mum puts it. Basically, that means I can't hit her, I can't shout at her and I can't insult her back when she insults me. You may be thinking, 'hello, she's five years old, get over it', but boy is she a bitch. I must have been punched at least 7 times, just because I told her to be quiet. She wouldn't eat her dinner which I was meant to be getting her to eat and I got told off for that. Short of picking up the spoon and force-feeding her, I really can't get her to eat it, can I? And she talks non-stop. All you can hear all day is Katie's voice, ringing in your ear, and then when you go to bed, you can't sleep because you can still hear her voice ringing through your head from 4 hours ago. It's like an annoying buzzing sound just constantly there in the background.
So, short of getting told off because everyone's breathing you can see that I pretty much get told off for everything that happens in the house. I think the only person in my family that I can stand at the moment is Charlotte, but as she's only 2 months old, I hardly think that's saying anything.
I know I sound like I'm whining about stuff that really doesn't bother anyone else, but I can't stand it. They just all drive me up the wall. Every time I try to explain to my Mum how I'm feeling, she just has a go at me, and I'm sure if I tried to explain to my friends they would all look at me like I'd grown an extra head or something. It's hard when you have no one to talk to about anything and I really wish I did. I can't stand being alone with my family. They all drive me up the wall and if I had one wish, I would wish I was an only child. Maybe I'd keep Charlotte, I like her. I can't wait to go to College. I'm going to go the the furthest one away that I can find and only come home for the summer holidays.
Now Katie's crawling along outside my door. I just want to throw something at her head and be done with it. Would I get done for murder if it kills her and I claim that my hand just 'slipped'? I'm meant to let her in if she wants to come in. Pft...fat chance of that happening in the near future. After her being horrible to me, she isn't going to be allowed within a metre radius without me shouting at her. I can't wait until they go to Duncan's and get the hell out of my way. To make matters worse, we're going to the Cinema tomorrow. I think I should just kill myself now, eh? I can see that, that's going to turn out a nightmare...

***

Nothing else has happened really. My day sucks. That's the beginning and end of the whole thing. I'm going to make a countdown chart to mark off the days until I have to go back to school, because I honestly can't wait to go back.

This'll just be a short entry coz it's just me needing somewhere to rant. Okay, I'll start off with the reason I need to rant and I'll give you three guesses as to the reason with one clue: it's not Ailish (yet). That only leaves one option, right? Simon. My God! He's just so.....*screams and rips out hair* there isn't even a word to describe it! He's stupid, a complete moron...the most annoying TWIT I've ever met! He's just so annoying. I don't believe him sometimes. How difficult is it to lend me 2.99 each fortnight? I mean...it's not going to make a dent in his bank account is it? I can pay him back as soon as I get my pocket money at the end of the month. He's such a tight prick....

***

Anyway, I was right about the shopping trip with Ailish. She didn't stop bugging me all day about 'Why I hate her' and the fact that I do in fact hate her. She twists all my words round and I hate it so much when she does that. I try to talk to her seriously and she just acts like a moron. She's never going to grow up! She's just going to be like that all her life and everyone can dislike her as much as I do. I mean, I don't believe that none of my other friends don't find her annoying!? How can they not find her annoying!? Or maybe they do...I wouldn't know. No one ever tells me anything.
She's so self centered. As soon as I dropped from being in a good mood to being in a pissed off mood, it was because of her! "Hello! Newsflash! The whole world does not revolve around you! Whether you want to believe it or not, there are other people who piss me off, not just you! Get over it!" And of course she told everyone that it was because of her that I was pissed off, and once again, no one bothered to ask me if that was true. Whether they want to believe that I was pissed off because my Mum was in a bad mood is their problem. I doubt they would have believed me even if I did tell them that was the reason. I can see them all nodding their heads now, sarcastically and saying 'Oh yeah, of course it is....'
Apparently it's not just my Mum that hates her, Siobhan's Mum doesn't like her either. I didn't know that. Mum said that Ailish asked Siobhan's Mum why she was so fat. I mean why would anyone do that!? It's just so rude! You don't ask someone that question. She can be such a bitch! And she wonders why I don't like her! That should give her, her answer really. She even told her own Mum that she wanted to go to a foster home a few years ago. I can only imagine how her Mum must have felt when she said that, and all Ailish could do when she was telling us about it was laugh. The fact that her Mum actually looked into it and handed Ailish some leaflets, crying should tell Ailish that her Mum cares enough about her to find her daughters happiness more important than her happiness. Then there's the fact that she has a boyfriend. Firstly, I can't believe a boy would be stupid enough to like her in the first place. They obviously don't know her all too well. Secondly, she doesn't even like him, and he obviously likes her enough to be shy to tell her that he likes her. So she's probably going to be really horrible to him. We had enough evidence to prove that today when she got a text from him saying that he was around where we were. Ailish ran away so that she wouldn't have to run into him. Why would you do that to your boyfriend!? That's just mean!
I think that's all really. Whoops, this Ailish thing took up more space than I thought it would...I was just going to say how horrible my day has been, not go on about loads of stuff that I don't like about Ailish. Oh well, at least I got it off my chest.

***

Talking about Ailish reminds me...we were talking on the bus and, thinking about it, we've come to realise that next Christmas will be the last Christmas that all of us spend together. It's a real depressing thought. Hopefully we can do something special next Christmas and have a party or something. But still...come summer 2009 we might all go to different schools and not keep in touch with each other. We'll never see each other again. I mean....I don't care about Ailish, I couldn't care less if I never saw her again, but there's everyone else. After 4 years, you kind of become accustomed to having everyone around, and now I think about it, it's going to be really weird without them all around. I know I've kept in touch with Clare, but it's going to be hard keeping in touch with 10 different people. Hopefully we can all still meet up. I think it'll be really upsetting if we don't ever talk again...

***

I suppose that whole paragraph about Ailish was my ranting paragraph, eh? I don't think I need another one.